Sweet Victory: the Delete Key
And guess what? It worked. Within ten minutes I had blown away 3GB or so of worthless data. Well, worthless to me, but not to MORON.
Here's how it all worked out: Through a command prompt, I ran takeown.exe against COM1~1, and the echo reported that ownership had been assigned. Of course, I got to see what was hiding in there, so I could now navigate into the folder. For safety's sake, I renamed the folder to junk. As it turns out, this folder started a tree of folders that each had a COM1 directory inside them. No problem.
I had to run takeown.exe against each subdirectory (using the COM1~1 nomenclature) until I got to the good stuff: movies. On a couple of the subdirectories within the COM1 folder, takeown.exe wouldn't work, and Windows reported that it didn't recognize the file structure. On a hunch, I ran CHKDSK and then takeown.exe again. This solved the problem and I could move on my way.
Now about these moviesthey weren't MPEGs; they were sliced-and-diced DVD movies. Their parent folder's name said the film was dubbed in German, but I didn't have a viewer, the desire, or the guts to attempt to open the movie. I was more interested in deleting the files.
Actually, I was imagining some little guy named Deeter hacking into FTP servers from his mom's basement. Sorry, Deeter. After I took ownership of your movies, I went ahead and deleted them. It was great.