Your Personal Code for Living a Better, Happier, More Successful Life
Date: Apr 21, 2006
Sample Chapter is provided courtesy of Prentice Hall Professional.
I've divided the Rules of Life into five areas—you, your partner, your family, your social circle (including work and friends) and lastly, the world—to represent the five unconscious circles we all draw around ourselves.
Let's begin with the most important of these, the Rules for ourselves—personal rules, rules for us. These are the Rules that will help get us out of bed in the mornings, face the world with a positive air, and navigate our way safely and successfully through our day, no matter what may arise. These are the Rules that will help reduce stress levels, give us the right kind of outlook, encourage us to set our own standards and have goals to aim for.
I guess that for each and every one of us, these Rules will have to be adapted to take into account our upbringing, our age, and our situation. We all need to have personal standards to live up to. They will vary from person to person, but it is vitally important to have them. Without them, we are adrift and unable to monitor how we are doing. With them we have a firm center, somewhere we can get back to, somewhere to touch base and recharge. They are our benchmark for personal progress.
But it's not all about standards; it's also about lightening up, having fun, enjoying life.
Rule 1: Keep It Under Your Hat
You are about to become a Rules Player. You are about to embark on a life-changing adventure, possibly, if you choose to accept your mission. You are about to discover ways to become positive, happier, more successful in everything you do. So there’s no need to say anything to anybody about it. Keep quiet. No one likes a know-it-all. That’s it. First Rule: Keep it under your hat.
There may well be times when you do want to talk to other people about what you’re doing because, quite naturally, you want to share it with somebody. Well, you can’t and you don’t. Let them find out for themselves with no clues from you. You may think this unfair, but it is actually fairer than you believe. If you tell them, they’ll shy away. And quite rightly so—we all hate being preached at. It’s a bit like when you give up smoking and suddenly find this new healthier way of living and you simply have to convert all your old smoking friends. Trouble is, they aren’t ready to quit yet and you find they label you as smug or a prude or, even worse, an ex-smoker. And how we all hate those.
So the first Rule is, quite simply, don’t preach, propagate, try to convert, shout from the rooftops, or even mention this.
You will get a warm glow from changing your attitude to life and having people ask what it is you have done, are doing, and you can say that it’s nothing, merely a sunny day and you feel better/ happier/livelier/jollier/whatever. There is no need to go into any detail because that’s not really what people want to know. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite of what they want to know. It’s a bit like when someone asks how you are. What they want to really hear is just the one word, "Fine." Even if you are in the very pits of despair, that’s all they want to hear because anything more requires commitment on their part. And for a casual "How are you?" that’s most certainly not what they want. What they want is just "Fine." And then they can be about their business without any further involvement. If you don’t say "Fine," but instead unburden yourself, they will back off pretty quickly.
And it’s the same with being a Rules Player. No one really wants to know, so keep quiet. How do I know? Because when I wrote The Rules of Work, which turned a lot of people on to the ability to be successful in the workplace without having to resort to underhand means, I suggested the same thing and found it worked. Just get on with it, do it quietly, and go about your daily life happily and smugly without having to tell anyone anything.
Rule 2: You’ll Get Older But Not Necessarily Wiser
There is an assumption that as we get older we will get wiser; not true I’m afraid. The rule is we carry on being just as clueless, still making plenty of mistakes. It’s just that we make new ones, different ones. We do learn from experience and may not make the same mistakes again, but there is a whole new world of fresh ones just lying in wait for us to mess up and fall into. The secret is to accept this and not to beat yourself up when you do make new ones. The Rule really is: Be kind to yourself when you do mess things up. Be forgiving and accept that it’s all part of that growing older but no wiser routine.
Looking back, we can always see the mistakes we made but we fail to see the ones looming up. Wisdom isn’t about not making mistakes, but about learning to escape afterward with our dignity and sanity intact.
When we are young, aging seems to be something that happens to, well, old people. But it does happen to us all and we have no choice but to embrace it and roll with it. Whatever we do and however we are, the fact is we are going to get older. And this aging process does seem to speed up as we get older.
You can look at it this way—the older you get, the more areas you’ve covered to make mistakes in. There will always be new areas of experience where we have no guidelines and where we’ll handle things badly, overreact, get it wrong. And the more flexible we are, the more adventurous, the more life-embracing, then the more new avenues there will be to explore—and make mistakes in, of course.
As long as we look back and see where we went wrong and resolve not to repeat such mistakes, there is little else we need to do. Remember that any Rules that apply to you also apply to everyone else around you. They are all getting older too. And not any wiser particularly. Once you accept this, you’ll be more forgiving and kinder toward yourself and others.
Finally, yes, time does heal, and things do get better as you get older. After all, the more mistakes you’ve made, the less likely that you’ll come up with new ones. The best thing is that if you get a lot of your mistakes over and done with early on in life, there will be less to learn the hard way later on. And that’s what youth is all about, a chance to make all the mistakes you can and get them out of the way.
Rule 3: Accept What Is Done Is Done
People make mistakes. Sometimes very serious ones. As often as not, the mistakes aren’t deliberate or personal. Sometimes people just don’t know what they are doing. This means that if, in the past, people have behaved badly toward you, it wasn’t necessarily because they meant to be horrible, but because they were as naïve, as foolish, as human as the rest of us. They made mistakes in the way they brought you up or finished a relationship with you or whatever, not because they wanted to do it that way, but because they didn’t know any different.
If you want to, you can let go of any feelings of resentment, of regret, of anger. You can accept that you are a fabulous human being because of all the bad things that have happened to you, not in spite of them. What is done is done, and you need to just get on with things. Don’t use the labels "good" and "bad." Yes, I know some of it is indeed bad, but it is how we let it affect us that is the real "bad." You could let all these things get you down, fizzle away internally like some emotional acid making you ill and resentful and stuck. But you will let them go, embrace them as character forming and in general as positive rather then negative.
On paper, I had a seriously dysfunctional childhood and for a while was resentful. I blamed my bizarre upbringing for all that was weak or dispirited or badly formed in me. It’s so easy to do. But once I accepted that what was done was done, and that I could choose to forgive and get on with my life, things improved enormously. For at least one of my siblings, this was not the route they chose, and they carried on building up the resentment until it overwhelmed them.
For me it was essential, if I wanted more out of my life, to embrace all the bad things as being an important part of me and to move on. In fact, I wanted them to fuel me into my future, to become positive to such an extent that I couldn’t imagine being me without them. Now, if given the choice, I wouldn’t change a thing. Yes, looking back, it was tough being the kid I was, living the life I did, but it has certainly helped make me, me.
I think the change occurred once I realized that even if I could get in front of me all the people who had "done me wrong," there would still be nothing they could do. I could shout at them, berate them, rant at them, but there would be nothing they could do to make amends or put things right. They too would have to accept that what’s done is done. There is no going back, only forward. Make it a motto for life—keep moving forward.
Rule 4: Accept Yourself
If you accept that what’s done is done, you are left with yourself exactly as you are. You can’t go back and change anything, so you’ve got to work with what you’ve got. I’m not suggesting anything New Age here such as love yourself—that’s far too ambitious. No, let’s begin with simple accepting. Accepting is easy because it is exactly what it says—accepting. You don’t have to improve or change or strive for perfection. Quite the opposite. Just accept.
That means accepting all the warts and emotional lumps and bumps, the bad bits, the weaknesses and the rest of it. This doesn’t mean we are happy with everything about ourselves, or that we are going to be lazy and lead a bad life. We are going to accept the way we are, initially, and then build on that. What we are not going to do is beat ourselves up because we don’t like some bits. Yes, we can change lots, but that will come later. We’re only up to Rule 4 here.
This has to be a Rule because there can be no choice here. We have to accept that we are the way we are—the result of everything that has happened. It all just is. You, like me, like all of us, are human. That means you’re pretty complex. You come fully loaded with desires, anguish, sins, pettiness at times, mistakes, ill temper, rudeness, deviation, hesitation, and repetition. That’s what makes a human being so wonderful, the complexity. None of us can ever be perfect. We start with what we’ve got and who we are, and then we can only make a choice, each day, to strive for some kind of better. And that’s all they can ask of us—to make that choice. To be awake and aware, to be ready to do the right thing. And accept that some days you aren’t going to make it. Some days you will, like all of us, fall far short. That’s okay, don’t beat yourself up. Pick yourself up and start again. Accept that you will fail from time to time and that you are human.
I know it can be hard at times, but once you have picked up the gauntlet of becoming a Rules Player, you’re well on the path to improvement. Stop finding fault with yourself, or giving yourself a hard time. Instead, accept that you are what you are. You’re doing the best you can at this point in time, so give yourself a pat on the back and press on.
Rule 5: Know What Counts and What Doesn’t
Being here counts. Being kind and considerate counts. Getting through each day without seriously offending anyone or hurting anyone counts. Having the latest technology doesn’t.
Sorry, I don’t have a grudge against technology. In fact, I probably have pretty much all the latest gizmos. I just (a) don’t overly rely too much on any of it and (b) see them all as useful tools rather than having any intrinsic meaning in themselves, in a status symbol or one-up-personship kind of way.
Doing something useful with your life counts. Going shopping because you’re bored doesn’t. Yes, by all means go shopping, but see what you do as counting or not counting, being real or not being real, having real value or not, being of some benefit or not. This does not mean throwing in the towel and going off to some fly-infested swamp to work with the locals and catch malaria—although that in itself would count, but you don’t have to go to quite those extremes to make your life meaningful.
I guess the Rule means focusing on what is important, to you in your life, and making positive changes to ensure you feel happy with what you are dedicating your life to (see Rule 6). This doesn’t mean long-term plans mapped out to the smallest detail. It means knowing, roughly, where you are going and what you are doing. Awake rather than asleep. A fellow author, Tim Freke, calls it "lucid living"*—a perfect term for what we are talking about.
There are some things in this life that are important and a whole lot of things that aren’t. It doesn’t take too much discrimination to work out which are which. And there are a whole lot more things that don’t count, aren’t really important, to choose from. I’m not saying we can’t have trivia in our lives—we can and it’s fine. Just don’t go mistaking the trivia for what is really important. Having time for loved ones and friends is important, watching the latest reality show isn’t. Repaying a debt is important, what brand of washing detergent you use isn’t. Nurturing our children and teaching them real values is important, dressing them in designer fashion isn’t. You get the idea. Think about what you do that counts—and do more of it.
Rule 6: Dedicate Your Life to Something
To know what counts and what doesn’t, you have to know what you are dedicating your life to. There are, of course, no right or wrong answers to this one because it’s a very personal choice—but it’s really useful to have an answer, rather than not really knowing.
As an example, my own life has been driven by two things: (a) someone once told me that if my soul or spirit was the only thing I was likely to be taking with me when I went, then it ought to be the best thing I had; (b) my curious upbringing.
The first one isn’t, for me at least, in any way religious. It just struck a chord with me, triggered something. Whatever it was I was taking with me, then perhaps I ought to do a bit of work on it. Make sure it really is the very best thing about me. That got me thinking. How on earth do you go about that? The answer still is that I haven’t got a clue. I have explored and experimented, learned and made mistakes, been a seeker and a follower, read and observed, and wrestled with this great problem all my life. How do you go about improving your life on that level? I think the only conclusion I have come to is to live as decent a life as possible, to go through causing as little damage as possible, to treat everyone with whom you come into contact with respect and dignity. It’s something to dedicate my life to and it works for me.
And how can my curious upbringing cause me to focus on what I am dedicating my life to? Well, having had a "dysfunctional" upbringing and having chosen to let it motivate me rather than affect me, I am acutely aware that many people also need to get rid of that feeling of being badly affected by what has gone before. This is what I dedicate my life to. Yes, it might be crazy; I might be crazy. But at least I have something I can focus on, something (for me) that counts.
Now none of this is big stuff, and by that I mean I don’t go around with this emblazoned on my forehead—"Templar dedicates his life to . . ." sort of thing. It’s more that quietly, in my heart, I have something that I can devote my attention to. It’s a yardstick by which I can measure (a) how I’m doing, (b) what I’m doing, and (c) where I’m going. You don’t need to trumpet it. You don’t need to tell anyone (see Rule 1). You don’t even need to think it out in too much detail. A simple internal mission statement will do. Disney’s mission for example is: "To make people happy." Decide what it is you are dedicating your life to. It makes the rest much easier.
Rule 7: Be Flexible in Your Thinking
Once your thinking gets crystallized, rigid, formed, you’ve lost the battle. Once you think you have all the answers, you might as well call it quits. Once you get set in your ways, you’re already part of history.
To get the most out of life, you have to keep all your options open, keep your thinking and life flexible. You have to be ready to roll as the storm breaks—and it always breaks when you least expect it. The instant you are established in a set pattern, you set yourself up for being knocked off-course. You might need to examine your thinking pretty closely to understand what I mean. Flexible thinking is a bit like mental martial arts—being ready to duck and weave, dodge and flow. Try to see life not as the enemy, but as a friendly sparring partner. If you are flexible, you’ll have fun. If you stand your ground, you’re likely to get knocked around a bit.
We all have set patterns in life. We like to label ourselves as this or that and are quite proud of our opinions and beliefs. We all like to read a set newspaper, watch the same sorts of TV programs or movies, go to the same sort of stores every time, eat the sort of food that suits us, wear the same type of clothes. And all this is fine. But if we cut ourselves off from all other possibilities, we become boring, rigid, hardened—and thus likely to get knocked around a bit.
You have to see life as a series of adventures. Each adventure is a chance to have fun, learn something, explore the world, expand your circle of experience and friends, and broaden your horizons. Shutting down to adventure means exactly that—you are shut down.
The second you are offered an opportunity to have an adventure, to change your thinking, to step outside of yourself, go for it and see what happens. If this thought scares you, remember that you can always go back into your shell the second it’s over, if you want to.
But even saying yes to every opportunity isn’t set in stone as a rule, because that would be inflexible. The really flexible thinkers know when to say "no" as well as when to say "yes."
If you want to know how flexible your thinking is, here are a couple of tests. Are the books by the side of your bed the same sorts of books you’ve always read? Have you found yourself saying anything like "I don’t know any people like that" or "I don’t go to those kind of places?" If so, then perhaps it’s time to broaden your mind and clear out the cobwebs in your thinking.
Rule 8: Take an Interest in the Outside World
You may be wondering why this Rule is here and not in with the ones in the section about the world. Well, this one is about you. Taking an interest in the outside world is about developing you, rather than for the world’s benefit. I’m not suggesting you have to watch the news constantly, but by reading, listening, and talking, we keep abreast of what is happening. Successful Rules Players don’t get bogged down by the minutiae of their own lives, they don’t live in a tiny bubble. Make it your mission to know what’s going on in the world—in current events, music, fashion, science, movies, food, transport, even TV. Successful Rules Players are able to hold a conversation on pretty much everything and anything because they are interested in what’s going on. You don’t necessarily have to own the latest everything but you should have a rough idea of what is changing, what’s new, and what’s happening, both in your community and on the other side of the world.
And the benefits? Well, for starters it makes you more interesting as a person and it also keeps you young. I met an elderly woman in the post office the other day who was going on about PIN numbers, "Pin numbers, pin numbers, what do I want with pin numbers at my age?" The short answer is that of course she needs them, she can’t get her retirement money without them. But it’s more than that. It is terribly easy to sink into the, "I’ve never done this before, I don’t need to do it now" mentality. If we do this, we stand a good chance of really missing out.
The happiest, most well-balanced, most successful people in life are those who are part of something. Part of the world, not cut off from it. And the most interesting, stimulating people to be around are those who take a great interest in what’s happening around them. As I was listening to the radio the other morning, the head of the American prison service was being interviewed and was talking about prison reform, a subject I have no interest in personally. You could argue that I didn’t need to know about the American prison service any more than the old woman needed to know about PIN numbers, but I felt more stimulated and alive and interested after learning a little bit about it. And that can’t be bad.