- Turning Online for Dating Advice
- How Cyber-Dating Counselors Can Help You
This chapter is from the book
This chapter is from the book
This chapter is from the book
How Cyber-Dating Counselors Can Help You
When you were in high school, you probably met with a guidance counselor at some point. Those personality tests you took may have seemed cheesy at the time, but they gave you a direction when picking colleges or applying for your first job. A matchmaker or dating coach does the same thing: She or he gives you guidance and advice on interpersonal relations, helps you prepare your online profile, and evaluates the profiles of your potential dating prospects as well.
Finding dating counselors in the phone book or by word of mouth can take some work. While your Aunt Ella or Uncle Joe may give advice freely, and are only too eager to get involved, they may not know much about the Internet or what makes a good email "first approach." Plenty of individuals who have had success with online dating are willing to share "insider" tips that can save you time. (And, even though you may have to pay an online matchmaker just as you would any other consultant, these tips can save you the money you'd otherwise pay to a dating site.)
Beyond experience with cyberspace, an online consultant can help you make up for a lack of confidence, either because you've never been in the dating pool or have been out of it for a while. In any case, one of the online matchmaking services can help.
It's all about how you want to define yourself. Consider the process of applying for a job or applying for college: You need to convince someone what makes you uniquely you. Most people aren't their own best boosters. In fact, they're often more critical of themselves than their family or friends. If you're coming out of dating retirement and aren't at ease with the Internet, a coach can ease your transition from computer-phobe to cyber-dater.
Editing Help
Even the best writers have editors who help them sound even better than they do already. (Just ask my own editors.) When you're writing a description, even before you decide where to post it, it often can be beneficial to find someone to help you prepare it.
An outsider can help you avoid some of the pitfalls that prevent your listing from attracting attention. However, it can be hard to find the magic words that will put you in your best possible light, so you will look good to other people. For instance, Table 3.1 presents some run-of-the-mill, ho-hum descriptions that an editor or dating coach (in this case, me) can easily punch up.
Table 3.1 Original and Edited Personal Descriptions
|
Original Version |
Edited Version |
Comments |
|
I like to eat out at fancy restaurants and take long walks on the beach. The Beatles are my favorite music group. I'm not too concerned about my appearance. But I haven't broken any mirrors yet. I'd rather watch TV than go to a theater. |
I have discriminating taste, both in people and in food. I appreciate the best in all fields, which is why The Beatles and other classic rock groups are my favorites. Appearance is less important than inner substance to me. I'm a stay-at-home gal who would rather snuggle on the couch and watch TV that hit the theater and nightclubs. |
Original description was full of cliches and said nothing unique about the person being profiled. |
|
I'm outgoing, fun, kind, loyal, easy-going and always up for a good time. I like fine dinning, movies, clubs to nice quiet nights at home w/a good movie/good company. I listen to all types of music (except rap and symphony). Above all I am open to new experiences—as long as my partner doesn't give me a hard time about them. I am attracted to women who are smart (but don't show off), are athletic (but don't get carried away about it) and most of all, have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and who can appreciate mine. |
I'm a guy who loves the nightlife and surrounds himself with people. My idea of a fun evening is to go to a good movie or restaurant with a group of close friends. I love trying new experiences. My ideal partner is an intelligent person who has a good sense of humor and who can appreciate my dry wit. |
Long lists of qualities can be confusing; present one thing at a time. Watch for typos, and don't keep qualifying assertions with "except" or "as long as" statements that confuse people and make you look too fussy. |
|
I can't believe I'm doing this! Not one to talk about myself much. Well, I am a devoted person that likes the simple things. I like to do things around the house but will jump to most challenges. I love to spend time with my family as we are very close. I also like to take my dog for long walks and let him play around. I like to spend time with my son when he's home from school. Well, that's over! |
Beneath my shy, quiet surface lies a fiercely devoted heart. Family comes first with me. I love to create a beautiful and peaceful home and be with my son when he comes home from school. When he's not, I go for long walks with my dog and we play together. If you are a dog lover and love children and are looking for someone who will be a loving and caring companion, let's talk. |
Be inviting, not off-putting. Don't apologize for what you're doing, and don't waste space with "I can't believe I'm doing this" comments. |
None of the original descriptions is really that bad to begin with, but when your profile appears in a list of other profiles, and the profiles go on for page after page, you've got to find a way to stand out from the crowd and gain the viewer's attention. Some of the services mentioned later in this chapter will edit your descriptions for a fee. However, since you're already paying money to subscribe to a dating service, it's understandable that you may not want to put out any more money for editing help.
One of the best sources of help with preparing profiles is close to home. I've heard of many people who have written descriptions for their friends that attracted longtime partners. Look for a friend or family member who can help you by being honest, by getting you organized, and by adding essentials and deleting nonessentials. It's often difficult to do this for yourself.
TIP
Also consider presenting your description to members of a discussion group and asking them for suggestions on how it can be improved. If your current description isn't getting results, you'll get some suggestions on how to improve it. Be prepared for some harsh comments. Discussion group participants tend to be brutally honest—but that's what you're looking for: an honest, outside perspective.
Free Advice
If you are looking for opinions about when to respond to someone, when to meet someone in person, or how much to reveal about yourself at a given time, cyberspace is the place. Everybody has something to say, and the Internet gives them a place to voice their opinions and concerns. If you're looking for dating advice, you can find it at any number of websites, chat rooms, discussion boards, or other forums.
Advice from people who have done what you're hoping to do can be especially important on the Internet because when you're online you don't really know with whom you are dealing. You don't get the visual and other clues that would the normally help you make judgments in the real world.
A cyber-friend can hold your hand and teach you some things about dealing with people on the Internet that you just wouldn't learn otherwise. For instance, don't be in a hurry to meet people in person. Communicating online is in many ways more intimate than on the phone or even a casual conversation in a restaurant.
You don't necessarily have to turn to a site for support that specifically deals with online dating. Here are a few examples of websites that are primarily concerned with sharing news and views and creating online communities of people with similar interests:
Suite101.com (http://www.suite101.com). This site contains thousands of essays written by individuals. The topic Single Parent includes dating discussions.
MenWeb (http://www.menweb.org) has a section of articles on relationships, although only a few cover dating. However, there is a link to a message board (news://news.annexcafe.com/annexcafe.men.mensbbs) where you can discuss issues freely with other men.
Tribe.net (http://www.tribe.net). A "tribe" is this site's term for an online community of like-minded individuals. Do a search for the term "Dating" and you'll find a long list of discussion groups with titles like "Online Dating Sucks," "Interracial Dating," "Online Dating Sites 411," and more.
Free advice is often worth just what you pay for it. However, free discussion areas provide a diversity of opinions that you can't get from a single adviser. If you look long enough, you'll find someone who's tried the same thing you have and can give you that valuable piece of information you have been seeking.
TIP
The Tribe.net site also has a section full of "tribes" under the category Romance & Relationships. Groups like Meet Your Match and Normal Single & Jewish are there to bring singles together rather than kvetch and gossip about online dating in general.
Not-So-Free Advice
Sometimes, it's worth investing time and effort—as well as money—in yourself. Professional psychotherapists and other counselors can be found online to help you through the process of meeting people or starting relationships gracefully, not to mention ending relationships gracefully.
Relationship-Talk.com, for instance, specializes in telephone counseling on dating and interpersonal matters. Phone conversations with the site's counselors cost $40 to $45 for a 25-minute session and $80 to $85 for a 50-minute session. You can also get email advice: You select a counselor on the service's website (http://www.relationship-talk.com) and send that person a private question. You'll get back a private answer (one that other visitors to the site never see) for $26.95.
NOTE
If you don't want to pay for email counseling, you can participate in Relationship-Talk.com's free relationship forums. It looks like there is a lot of activity in the forums, but if you look at the dates of the postings, you find that many are three or more years old.
Personal Consultation
A number of years ago, after my divorce, I engaged the services of a matchmaker—someone who matches people up with similar interests and sends them on dates. I went to the person's office, had an interview in which I discussed my background and my own interests. After a while, I was presented with a set of photos of people the matchmaker thought I'd like to meet. I did go out on a few dates, and consider the matchmaking a worthwhile experience, though no long-term relationships came of it.
You might also see these services described as introduction agencies; in both cases, staff have personal contact with clients, either on the phone or in person. They personally interview each dating person to find out something about their personalities and what they are looking for in online dating. Such services cost a good deal more than most online dating services. However, because human beings have taken the time to get to know you and your tastes and personality traits, they personally match up people, and they meet with better success.
The advantage of visiting a real-life matchmaker, as opposed to someone in cyberspace, is that the matchmaker has personal contact with each of the people in her "database" of clients and can match you according to her (hopefully) unbiased observations. When you are doing the evaluating and choosing, you're not always unbiased. You might choose to approach someone based solely on looks or solely on religious or ethnic background. In the process, you might end up with an inappropriate match that goes nowhere, or overlook people who would be just right for you.
In an article published on About.com's Dating site (http://dating.about.com/cs/advicetips/a/aa022603.htm), a woman who worked as a professional matchmaker pointed out another advantage of hiring someone to do the matching: The matchmaker can encourage people to compromise, to not overlook people because of a single problem, to not write people off because of a small disagreement. She helped them (or at least tried to help them) overcome the habits they had developed over many years, habits that ensured they remain single, such as the following examples:
Setting too many requirements and limitations.
Looking for a guarantee of a successful relationship, before even embarking on one.
Having an unrealistic self-image, and looking for people who matched that image. For example, they might look for someone much younger than they were, someone far more sophisticated, less overweight, and so on. A matchmaker can see you for the person you are and point you to people who really are like you, not like the person you wish you were.
You can find matchmakers in your area in the phone book, but a growing number list themselves online, too. Be aware, though, that many of the websites that actually have "matchmaker" as part of their URL (for example, http://www.matchmaker.com) are actually traditional dating sites where you do the hunting rather than hire someone to do the matching. If you don't want to go it alone, look for individuals who will get personally involved with you and facilitate the dating process.
For example, Kathryn B. Lord (http://www.KathrynBLord.com) calls herself a "cyber-romance coach." She counsels people on how to find mates online. She holds online classes. She will read profiles of people you are interested in and give you her sage opinion on the match.
Valenti International (http://www.valenti.org) boasts that its average client makes more than $100,000 a year and has a "7-figure average net worth." If you fit into this category, you'll get plenty of personal attention after you fill out an initial questionnaire. You then meet with a staff psychologist to develop a psychological profile. Owner Irene Valenti and her staff then arrange to introduce potential matches to one another. There is not a word on the website about how much the process costs—perhaps on the theory that, if you have to ask, the service is not for you.
Essay Writing
I write and edit for a living, so I'm probably more conscious of misspellings, grammatical errors, and awkward construction in dating profiles than most people. Frankly, many people who are looking through dating site listings look at the photos and the quick facts about a person and probably don't pay lots of attention to the writing. However, many others do make snap judgments based on your grammar and do pay attention to signs of carelessness. Take a few minutes to proofread your profile before it goes online. Or better yet, have a friend or colleague help by reading it over for you.
There are many, many freelance writers and editors who would be only too eager to help you create a profile or write a descriptive essay about yourself. You might find someone at eLance (http://www.elance.com), a website that functions as a marketplace for freelance services.
Writers, like Evan Mark Katz, also provide editorial and advisory services for people who are getting started. Katz runs an online service called E-Cyrano.com (http://www.e-cyrano.com) that offers a range of assistance:
A free 10-minute consultation, including an analysis of the first two lines of your description.
For $49, a full "makeover" of your existing profile if you have one, and a line-by-line edit.
For $149, a "Platinum" package that adds a 40-minute toll-free phone consultation, two essays, and a personal questionnaire.
Choosing the Right Matchmaker
When you call a matchmaker or dating coach or go to their office, you get plenty of input, which can help you decide if they are worth your time and money. On the Internet, it's really difficult to tell whose really going to help you and who's primarily interested in lining their own wallet.
I urge you to look past the individual's website and how it appears—though there are some obvious red flags that would cause me to be more skeptical:
Misspellings or obvious grammatical errors that make you ask: Can't the website owner hire a proofreader or editor?
Sites that immediately want you to register or start paying in order to read anything.
Sites that are peppered with photos of hot-looking, twenty-something models who have probably never visited a dating site.
Sites that charge you by the minute for phone consultations rather than offering a flat fee for a set period of time.
Ultimately, though, you can't judge a book by its cover when you are evaluating members of the opposite sex as dating prospects or when you are looking for relationship help. Virtually all dating and matchmaking sites contain glowing compliments from satisfied customers. All include beautifully composed photos depicting the professionals who are willing to help you. Any site can find individuals to give it quotes that tout the site as the best agency ever, and everyone can hire a good photographer.
It's far better to find things out for yourself by doing your own investigation. Get references from the site—people you can email or phone—and ask them personally about their experience. Go to some of the discussion areas mentioned earlier in this chapter and ask for opinions on the person or the company in question. Try to talk to staff people on the phone so you can gauge how helpful they are and whether they are hurried, abrupt, or are really willing and able to devote personal attention to you.
Getting Your Friends to Help: Friendster
"Classic" dating sites force you to put yourself out there all by your lonesome. You might appear in your photo with your child or friends, but usually, it's just you looking at the camera. People introduce themselves to you directly after viewing your profile, then you can converse one-on-one.
An intriguing variation on this theme uses networks of friends to help facilitate personal connections. It's called Friendster (http://www.friendster.com, shown in Figure 3.2), and it brings together networks of individuals who help foster new relationships.
)
Figure
3.2 Friendster enables you to enlist friends to help with
introductions.
Friendster isn't a dating site as such, though it can be used for that purpose. You join; you invite your friends to join; they, in turn invite their friends. As each friend joins, he or she lists the people in his or her personal network of acquaintances. The magic comes when one person spots the profile of a person they don't know; they can then use friends to handle the introductions. (For example: "I'm a friend of Jean's. Can you introduce me to Renee? She's a friend of your friend Tom.")
NOTE
At this writing, Friendster was relatively new and considered itself to be in a "beta" or testing period. During this period, it did not charge for any of its services. After the trial period, basic membership was still expected to be free, though some services would require a subscription fee.
You can also approach someone directly, but this time, you have an immediate subject to talk about—your friends. (In fact, you are only allowed to approach someone who is connected to you through the network of friends.) When you introduce yourself to someone, you can explain how you got to know them: You're in person X's network, and person X is a friend of someone in your network, for instance. Right away, you have a subject of mutual interest that can help break the ice—your friends. Friendster is a great place for networking of all kinds as well as dating, and a worthwhile option for anyone reluctant to "go it alone" with online dating.
Dr. Date Sez...
You say you want some help getting started with online dating, but you've already laid out some money for this book, and you don't want to hire anyone else to help you? Fine! Well, here's my one-minute matchmaking pep talk that'll hopefully get you started creating a good profile:
Pick a fun username that says something about you or your interests.
Take a minute or two and write down a list of all the things you like best about yourself.
Envision yourself talking to someone you really like and with who you are perfectly at ease.
Now write down a greeting for that person. Try to imagine that you are writing to one individual, not the whole world. Don't overwhelm your ideal reader with details, like "I am a 45-year-old divorced father of two who lives in a house I rehabbed; or I am a 36-year-old organist and leader of my church choir and an award-winning gardener..."
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Take care with your photos, following the suggestions presented in Chapter 9.
Instead, just say something fun that speaks to who you are as a person and why someone might want to be with you—not because you are a singer or gardener or rehabber or father, but because you love parties, you love sitting in front of the TV watching Marx Brothers movies, and so on. "Chef Who Really Cooks" was a good opening I saw recently.
The Absolute Minimum
Just as you can find potential dates online, you can find advisers, coaches, and matchmakers to give you support.
A few individuals have established an identity as "cyber-romance coaches" and can help you prepare profiles and advise you on dating etiquette.
Discussion groups and mailing lists are free to join, and can give you invaluable, unbiased advice about creating a good profile or handling yourself on a date.
Consider contracting with a real-world matchmaker who can get to know you personally and help you overcome your own self-image and habits.